Dear Paul,
Lately, some of my female coworkers and I have noticed that you have been making some distracting changes to your appearance. We wanted to give you a curated list of these changes and how we think you can improve yourself to create a more productive work environment for us all.
1. Last week you wore shorts to the office. This caused a huge stall in office productivity because many of our female employees were distracted by your chiseled quads and calves. Female colleagues have had trouble controlling themselves, and unless you want to be subject to catcalling, we ask that your shorts be no shorter than 1 inch above the ankle.
2. We’ve also noticed you have been working out a lot lately. We ask that you stop bench pressing and doing an excessive number of biceps curls because your muscular physique is not only distracting the females at our company, but we have also gotten complaints from female clients. They have not been able to focus in meetings with you, and they will not continue to work with you until you dress more modestly.
3. Also, what’s with the fitted shirts? We ask that you buy a shirt one size larger so that your assets are not shown off.
4. You have a tendency to wear the top two buttons of your shirt undone. This deliberate suggestive act will attract unwanted attention, so we kindly ask you to button your shirt all the way.
5. Since we are entering the winter months, your summer tan has faded, and you’ve been looking a bit tired. Are things alright at home? From now on, your shade must be between fleeting fawn and gothic gold. Anymore tan, and you will look too toned, causing distraction in the office. Any less tan, and you will look like a sickly flightless bird. If you would like a printout image of the acceptable shade range, please ask Jane at the front desk.
6. There have also been rather drastic changes to your personality. You have been very compliant lately, which is different from your usually assertive nature. Are your testosterone levels down this week?
We think you are a very valuable employee, and we are just trying to look out for your safety and wellbeing. By listening to the suggestions above, you can help us create a safe and focused working environment. However, if you choose to continue your problematic behavior, you will be asked to leave the company immediately. We hope for your cooperation so that we don’t have to take any additional measures.
All the best,
Your concerned (female) coworkers
Hah!