HS Theatre Syllabus 2020 (A Satire)

In our EH II class, we were assigned to write a satirical piece making fun of something. I chose to write a satirical version of David Berkson’s theatre syllabus (with his permission of course!!) It was actually him who suggested I submit this to the Pigeon Press.

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Student name. We don’t want you losing your syllabus!! 

Insert inspirational quote that has nothing to do with the class but I’ll make an argument on how it does here

Welcome to this year’s theatre class. In case you didn’t read it above, my name is David Berkson and I am SO EXCITED to get started!! This is your syllabus and I would like you to keep it at the front of your theatre tab for the entirety of the year. It is filled with important information even though you will never look at it again after today.

I’m going to now spend half of this page talking about who I am as a person while simultaneously thanking you for taking this class using a lot of cheesy metaphors. This is my syllabus so I get to do what I want. But seriously, thank you for being here and I can’t wait to see where the magical train of imagination takes us. I bet there will be a lot of unicorns. 

I will now explain exactly what this class is about, leaving no details out. I have no idea when our performances will be but I will let you know when I figure it out. Until then, don’t make any plans because you might have to cancel them. We will also perform during this year’s Esprit–something which I will not define right now so you new students will have to wait in curiosity and confusion. There is a typo somewhere in these dates because I just reprint the same syllabus document every year. Because this is a performance based class and we rely heavily on eachother, you will be removed from the class if you miss too many classes or if you cannot attend performances. In case I wasn’t clear, HERE’S THE EXACT SAME SENTENCE IN ALL CAPS!!!! We interrupt this program for a short 20-minute tangent about why theatre is as–if not more important than your English, Science or Math classes. 

Here is a strangely specific list of everything you will need to bring to class on a daily basis. It’s the exact same list on all of your other syllabi but I’m writing it here anyway. These are required items and it will affect your grade if you forget them.

• A full water bottle (I will allow you to get water from the fountain during breaks though)
• Your planner (even though there is no homework for this class)
• Your binder (even though I will never give you any handouts)
• Two sharpened pencils (because one might break)
• One Eraser (even though mistakes are a valuable part of the learning process)
• Two pens (because 2 pencils isn’t enough)
• Your script (in case you weren’t aware, this is a theatre class)
• Any props or costumes you’ve agreed to bring. (Just know that Wendy will probably make you something else)
• Clothes that allow you to move freely (but jeans are fine)

Here is a long explanation of how your grades break down. We will use the 1-5 system instead of the A-F system for some reason. I like to be as redundant as possible so here’s what each number represents. You’ve read this about six times already in your other classes but I want to make sure that it’s very clear. HERE’S ANOTHER SENTENCE IN ALL CAPS FOR EMPHASIS. 

Now that we have spent 2 class periods reading this syllabus, I will require signatures from those whom I deem important. I trust that each one of them will make you read through this again. I need them to sign both the instructor copy and the family copy even though you have no reason to fill out both forms. It is very important to me that it be as inconvenient as possible.

INSTRUCTOR COPY

TEACHER

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Printed Name/ Signature/ Date

STUDENT

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Printed Name/ Signature/ Date

PARENT/GUARDIAN

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Printed Name/ Signature/ Date

YOUR CRAZY UNCLE

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Printed Name/ Signature/ Date

YOUR THIRD COUSIN

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Printed Name/ Signature/ Date

YOUR GROCER

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Printed Name/ Signature/ Date

A RANDOM STRANGER

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Printed Name/ Signature/ Date

JAKE FROM STATE FARM

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Printed Name/ Signature/ Date

JAMIE FROM STARBUCKS WHO MAKES YOUR COFFEE WITH TOO MUCH CINNAMON

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Printed Name/ Signature/ Date

FAMILY COPY

TEACHER

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Printed Name/ Signature/ Date

STUDENT

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Printed Name/ Signature/ Date

PARENT/GUARDIAN

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Printed Name/ Signature/ Date

YOUR CRAZY UNCLE

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Printed Name/ Signature/ Date

YOUR THIRD COUSIN

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Printed Name/ Signature/ Date

YOUR GROCER

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Printed Name/ Signature/ Date

A RANDOM STRANGER

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Printed Name/ Signature/ Date

JAKE FROM STATE FARM

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Printed Name/ Signature/ Date

JAMIE FROM STARBUCKS WHO MAKES YOUR COFFEE WITH TOO MUCH CINNAMON

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Printed Name/ Signature/ Date