The word “masculine” has historically been attributed to any and all things. Colors, clothing, habits, life philosophies, the way you run and the way you talk. It is a term ascribed to concepts, objects and traits. It is simultaneously polarizing in its definition, and ill-defined in its application.
After all, how can a word be so all-encompassing? It is because, as I’m not the first to claim, masculinity in modern society is broadly defined more by what it isn’t, than by what it is. Boys don’t cry, men aren’t feminine, men aren’t gay, men are unfeeling, men aren’t empathetic. The list goes on. To call yourself “masculine” is to make a series of negative claims.
It’s no secret that men have adopted crude, feminizing terms as typical slang. When you’re scared, you’re a “p*ssy.” When you dress too feminine you’re a “sissy.” These insults aim to attack strength, comparing men to their own internalized perception of women: weak, submissive and powerless. The language we use shapes our perception of gender, and modern men find themselves inside a culture steeped in dehumanizing terminology.
I recently read Peggy Orenstein’s investigative journalism novel Boys and Sex, which dissects sexual tendencies and addiction in the U.S. In one interview with a college student, Orenstein exposes an interesting point about the term “hookup,” and how it is left intentionally vague when sharing exploits with friends. This leaves important details to the imagination, inflating what exactly occurs in the minds of others and distorting the general idea of what a hookup is.
Orenstein writes that: “When guys are on their own, it can be hard to tell if they’ve engaged in an intimate act or have just returned from a visit to a construction site. They nail, they pound, they bang, they smash, they slam, they hammer, they hit that, they tap that a**, they tear her up, they destroy her.” Similar to how the ambiguity of “hookup” inflates the imagination, the way men describe their sexual exploits magnifies their sense of power and the control they hold over women.
The terms like “pound” and “destroy” are used to make men feel powerful. The feedback loop of demeaning language towards women pressures men into feeling like they must be dominant and cruel to their partners. All sense of tenderness is lost in these interactions. As Orenstein says, “Teenagers may talk about hooking up, if you want to make them gag, use the term ‘making love.’”
It is because of the ambiguous definition of masculinity that this power dynamic emerges.
A definition using the process of elimination, one that refuses to provide true meaning, will always be weak. That is why people have coined the term “fragile masculinity.” Someone whose sense of self comes from a flawed definition of masculinity, will by extension have a fragile sense of self, susceptible to the slightest stress of its boundaries.
At its core, this definition of masculinity is dangerous. It’s at tension with the labels and roles society places on us. A man who appears traditionally feminine is seen as having not fully embraced his masculinity.
So the modern perception of masculinity is harmful to both men and women. Men, because it deteriorates their self image, trapping them in a constellation of things they cannot be and depriving them of real compassion and love in their relationships; and women because they bear the brunt of hate and brutalization from harmful masculinity. Throughout history, patriarchal values have sustained this form of masculinity. Men’s insecurity in themselves is at the root of centuries of injustice directed towards women.
The narrative that fuels harmful masculinity comes from influencers on the far right, lifestyle gurus, fitness grifters and most of all, men themselves. All men have contributed to the current state of masculinity. The media environment and people we surround ourselves with cut down the options of what you can be, until you are a man. Essentially sculpting what your culture deems the “ideal man” out of, well, you. All men have, at some point in their lives, played a part in the worsening of masculinity and the injury of all women and men.
Understanding each of our roles is the most important part in making changes. Individualizing the problem allows us to better ourselves, and by extension others. I wrote earlier how many men’s sense of self folds easily under this fragile definition of masculinity. If fragile masculinity breaks easily under pressure, what is the opposite of that? Where do we go from here?
As others have said, the opposite of something fragile is not something that is tough or strong. The true opposite of something that cracks under pressure is something that strengthens itself under pressure. Similarly, the healthiest form of masculinity is one that improves under stress. Men are conditioned to harden their emotions and be unwavering beacons of stoicism, shunning natural and healthy ways of processing their feelings. The healthiest form of masculinity is one that allows men to engage with emotions, gives them a strong sense of self, and most importantly is not built upon the belittlement of others.
For so many of our modern problems, the solutions feel out of reach, as if the common person has no influence on the greater world. That is why this issue is so special. The largest perpetrator of harmful masculinity is men, and all it takes for that to change is a shift in viewpoint. Political and social change will follow from men becoming smarter, healthier and more thoughtful individuals.
Photo by James Lloyd. The copyright holder has published this content under the following license: Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike.
