Odyssey: Make It Worthwhile

“I’m sitting here, crying in my prom dress.”

I’m on my way home. I have no idea what to make out of any of this. As I look out my window, I see agriculture flying by. The freshly-cut-grass-smell distracts me from my mess of a life. I wonder why everyone is looking at me? Well, they did just tell me the worst news of my life, but that’s beside the point. He’s gone. He’s really gone. I don’t believe it. I don’t want to believe it. It’s like I’m a sad nun. Withering away, with no one to talk to…

Emptiness. Shock. These are words that describe my mental state in this moment. This is some sick and twisted game, isn’t it? But hey, I still have a whole album to go through over the course of seven hours. I’m lost in the music.

If my dad saw me at this moment in time, he would be rolling in his grave. Shaking it, rather. He would be beyond thrilled that I surpassed his expectations. Yet again, he wouldn’t admit it. When I think of the music artist Mxmtoon, I think of my journey through grief. It was July of 2019 and I was empty as ever. I mean, what do you expect? I was in agony over what had happened. My dad died. Mxmtoon inspired me to keep going. Whether I was listening to “Seasonal Depression,” or I was listening to “Unspoken Words,” I was mesmerized. How could someone write in such an emotional and touching way? She was probably the only thing that got me out of bed in the morning. To function as a human being. She still is my idol.

Looking back, this past year has been a life lesson. The more work you put in, the more you receive in life. Take my experience, for example. I’m walking through the hallway to my third-period class. The hallways smell awful, a mix of Axe body spray and excess perfume. Maybe to cover up another smell? It’s just overwhelming. Once I get to the student services office, the teacher says she has no work for me to do. The clock passes 10:20 am, and I am ready for my fourth-period class, hundreds of eyes upon me with every step I take. Their glares manifest hatred and pity for me. Never. Again.

As much as I was suffering, Mxmtoon’s words moved me. She came out with her album Dawn and I was thrilled. Rushing home, I quickly plugged in my headphones and started with “Fever Dream.” “I want something more than, more than restless mornings.”

During this moment, I realize I want more out of life. I need to get up and stop feeling bad for myself. So I talked to my grandma about applying to private schools in my area. From that moment on, I gave it my all. I did shadow days, wrote essays, everything you could think of to get into a variety of schools. Sure, my school at the time was still awful, but that hope guided me through those last couple of months at Parkrose Middle School. Parkrose Middle School is like a food chain; you either eat or get eaten. I wouldn’t say I got out untouched, but I’m still here. As soon as I got accepted to Northwest Academy, I felt like blasting “Dawn” by Mxmtoon again. If you couldn’t already tell, I’m an obsessive person. The funny thing is, whenever I listen to her music, I get reminded of the hope I created for myself. As soon as I left Parkrose for the last time, I felt free.

Music tends to move people in one way or another. Whether you’re listening to Rihanna or Mxmtoon, they impact you. Some more than others, but the ones who impact me most usually hit close to home. Mxmtoon hasn’t experienced what I have exactly, but she describes emotions similar to the way I experience them. One song called “Birdie” consists of Maia talking about her experience with depression, but it’s much deeper than that. She explains how she feels like she needs validation from others to be more confident. She also explains how she feels she can’t be comfortable anywhere. This, I feel, could resonate with a lot of people. This resonates with me too.

Coffee. The smell of coffee on a Sunday morning. I’m sitting under a fan, it’s so hot outside. My mom gives me my class list for school.
“THEY HAVE A RECORDING STUDIO?!”

This is surreal for me. By far, this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. I have to sign up for Recording Studio Arts After Hours. At this rate, I could write my version of “The Masquerade.” I am now even more enthusiastic about going to school. I’m a kid in a candy store. A CANDY STORE! Rather than hope, I feel joy. Everlasting peace. Once I see the electives list, I am filled with enthusiasm. I can finally explore my creativity. I sign up for everything; I can hardly sleep. My mind is full of daydreams. Who wouldn’t be excited?
Surviving this past year was, and still is, an odyssey worth fighting for. For now, I am living the life I want. It’s crazy to think about how big of an impact a single song can have on a person. My life finally fits the title of that opening track: “Fever Dream.” It may have been like “The Masquerade,” before, but now I am free of my mask so now I can turn my life into my dream album.

Photo: “Soundboard Close Up” by Dmack101 is licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0