Students of Kyle Wiggins’ science fiction course were given the better part of a class period to create an advertisement for a potential future product that might exist in a distant dystopian/utopian world. This of course comes along with a variety of interesting, humorous and sometimes disturbing ideas; here are some of the responses.
The Looker-shocker by William Barr
Long gone are the days of troublesome youth flocking our streets and inhabiting our houses! Soon, the youth will be completely incentivised to behave themselves with our simple gadget! Your children will no longer subvert your authority, there will be no more rebelliousness- and instead, functioning members of society. No Longer will youthful frivolity hold back the productivity of our towns or afflict the lives of other productive members of society. A simple implant allowed parents and guardians to observe and correct the behavior of their mal adjusted offspring in real time! Have they gone to a forbidden location? Are they about to commit a crime? Has your child stolen your liquor and gotten drunk? SHOCK them into sobriety!! With an addition of a small additional implant, adolescents may be rewarded for their positive contributions! A small euphoric feeling will motivate all children to greatness!
Buy buy buy! by Zadie Niedergang
The future is here. With your investment into Radon 4.0 your home will be entirely powered by your own nuclear power plant — simple enough young Johnny can operate it. No more work than your boiler or your furnace, and with expert repair just a single phone call away. The kitchen of tomorrow — no more waiting around while your food cooks. No longer will your chicken be burned to a crisp and still raw in the middle. With Radon 4.0 in your life your food will come out perfect every time. The most relaxing bath in the world! The temperature stays perfect, and you’ll never strain your back cleaning the tub, with the ‘self-cleaning’ setting the particles eat any dirt and grime that stays in the tub. Your house will be irradiated and radiant with the Radon 4.0. Connect the Radon 4.0 to your power, to your pipes, to your heart. Each power plant can be purchased outright or through a series of installments. Warranty is guaranteed, and each power plants come with a package of sand and boron for your safety and wellbeing. Do not allow children under eight years of age to operate the Radon 4.0. The Radon company is not responsible for any public contamination that may occur as a result of misuse. The Radon company is not responsible for user error.
AI-nfant by Evan Gray-Williams
Friends and family of incoming world inhabitants–
Now is your chance! As you watch your belly or the belly of your close relative swell with the fruit of the future, you may find yourself wondering what use this impending baby could possibly have within your life. For many decades, there was no clear answer to such a question. Luckily, our brand-new AI-nfant changes that! With the market of artificial intelligence growing exponentially, developers are constantly looking for new frameworks off which to base their eminent AIs. Babies’ brains provide the perfect structure for such powerful computer systems! As babies leave the womb, their neuromechanics are perfectly primed to serve our machine friends. Infant cerebra, especially those of the newly-born, are developing at a faster rate than any other time of life, and hold within themselves the greatest POSSIBILITY for development.
AI-nfant uses ultramodern technology to scan your newborn’s brain and upload a sparkling copy of it to our servers, which will then be used by our trusted partner AI companies to develop their fascinating robots. The AI-nfant procedure is minimally invasive, utilizing a small metal hat which is placed onto the child’s skull and several painless probes that are inserted into the baby’s facial orifices, sending low-dose radiation to sensors stored within the hat. (For the intelligent physician–paralyzing tranquilizers are recommended for this procedure, only to prevent the child squirming and requiring a possible re-do). Our mechanism is best performed directly after birth, as that is when a child’s brain is most plastic. If interested, please contact one of our trusted sales representatives and we will arrange for a member of our procedural team to be placed within your hospital room during the birthing process, to ensure that the copy of the brain is the best it can possibly be! Our devices have negligible long-term effects on infants, and your children will have the great security of knowing that they too have contributed to the rise of AI and their family’s own livelihoods!
Ghost Voice by Aidan Van der Merwe
Do you feel isolated? Alone? Too many rooms and not enough people? When your family is away do you ever wish you could still hear their voices? The ghost voice is an unobtrusive device designed to live on tables and countertops. It listens to voices and monitors noise levels, replaying conversations when things get too quiet. The ghost voice is equipped with a sophisticated calibration system which allows it to determine the shape of a space and perfectly replicate the sound of the original speaker’s voices. From the next room, you’d never know you were alone. The ghost voice will intelligently select conversations to play based on recent conversations and its own history of replayed dialogue. Is your husband away on a business trip? Your wife? The ghost voice will recognize the absence and recreate their presence, playing conversations containing their voice with a greater frequency. We understand that hearing your own voice replayed may be disconcerting, so by default the ghost voice will not do so. You own voice will not be played while you are present, no need to worry.
PATTEE by Jonas Honeyman-Colvin
Times are tough, we get it. We look around outside and see our fellow American people ravaged by hunger. Not just a hunger for food, but a hunger for justice. Elitist bureaucrats hide behind their fake promises of new bio crop labs in the middle east and new food voucher laws passing soon. But when is “soon”? In five years? How many more good citizens will lose their lives in that time? That is why we are here for you. The real heroes of the story, who have persevered through the food crisis. Introducing: PATTEE. The Patriotic Affordable Tactical Tissue Extraction Entity is your best friend as you enter your new, nourished life where you’ll never have to worry about being hungry again. PATTEE is easy to use, and mostly painless. It comes in the form of an intuitive metal tube, with easy to attach Extraction SpinesTM that administers a harmless, but effective pain killer. Once PATTEE is done, a beautifully made slab of meat will be left behind, perfect for cooking. We are here to streamline our idea of food, and do what’s right for our fellow Americans. Join us, and never be hungry again.
ICCC First Edition by Conor McGeady
How much of your day is mundane and mindless? Do you need more sleep? Think of your morning routine, or your commute to work. How truly conscious are you? If only you had the Inter-Concious Control Chip, and let a personal companion take over your consciousness during these monotonous daily activities, and get some extra shut-eye even during the day. Worry not, for you will have full control over when your personal companion takes control of your body, and you can also set a timer for when you would like to have your body back. During the time when your companion is in control, they are not permitted to talk or otherwise interact with anyone, as to not cause confusion or disrupt relationships, they will simply accomplish your requested tasks (such as making coffee or driving to work) and then transfer control back to you, the host. Your eyes will roll back into your head, and your vocal cords will be blocked. Don’t worry though, your companion AI will only have access to SOME parts of your brain, and even though they are capable of learning, they won’t be able to bypass our restrictions the important parts of your brain. Probably. So what are you waiting for? Hours of extra sleep are waiting for you, during the most mundane parts of your day. Buy the ICCC for only $24,000 today!
Photo: “Science Fiction Starship” is licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0
